Another Great honest piece! Love the letting go of balloons image. And recollections from the dressing rooms.
My two cents? Wait till you get into your sixties or / and illness is visited upon you…. I mean, NO fucks given. It’s liberating in spite of feeling and often looking like shit. We women must stop catering to societal / cultural / media demands and to men who have largely promulgated such hideous ideals since forever— remember the tiny deformed stub of Chinese women’s feet leaving women pained and utterly helpless to mobilize therefore dependent upon men…. Or the whale bone corsets… the cruel misogynistic patriarchal system with its f’d up rewards and punishments associated with not being beautiful. To hell with all that.
"It was the walk of a woman on display and it brought forth an emotional memory, too: of being a young woman with an identity just barely developed. Someone who wanted to be seen while trying to make sure it didn’t seem like she wanted to be seen.
Then I exhaled, rooting myself back in my 40-something body. Just the memory of being that young was exhausting."
RIGHT? That thing we did - that we almost had to do as products of this era - it was exhausting. It was soul-sucking. And there's been this freedom in seeing that I did it, and understanding the whys/hows of it all. Your Longform essay really named so many aspects I hadn't quite landed on. I honestly love aging for this, I love how we all are helping one another along, finding words for things our mothers' generation probably never could speak or even understand in their 30s and 40s.
When I was 17 I witnessed a 70ish year old woman naked on a deserted beach in France sunbathing. When she noticed our approach she didn’t cover herself or move to hide in any way. I carry her around in my mind a lot. — Thank you for this piece — as a 30 year old new Mom I needed to read so much of this!
I'm so happy I found you and your work. I was talking to friends today about a Carl Jung idea that we don't solve problems but outgrow them, and I applied it to wanting to always look 25 (I am 42)/being outward appearance-focused. I don't think I can solve my desire to look younger, but I think I can transcend/outgrow it.
A well-told and insightful piece, Joanna! I remember your phase of life, when I was transitioning out of youthful hotness into a more mature body and mind. It was a thorny transition. I'm 15 years ahead of you, and I'm grateful for my 60-year-old body. I've fully embraced the "I don't give a fuck" stage, which I can't recommend highly enough!
Thank you for this. A couple of days ago, a friend posted something online about aging, and dozens of women posted photos of themselves talking about how much younger they look than their age. It struck me as ageist, and made me uncomfortable, but I couldn't exactly identify why. This helps.
Amazing. Relatable and reminds me of that piece I did for GMP when I was in my own 40s about ruined bodies (remember the “ruined tits” column it was in reaction to). I’m almost 54 it seems like I care less and less who thinks I’m ruined. It’s a good thing
We all look our age. The rest is biological determinism, a should of how, body virtue whatever, pride in conformity, a category mistake, towering misogyny in the form of false comfort no one has ever been comforted by.
So glad this piece bubbled to the top in Notes so I could find it at this late date. I loved it. Thank you. A while back I read somewhere, "when I was a child, I didn't HAVE a body. I WAS a body." And I keep coming back to that over and over again. This 54 year old body that birthed two kids, and saw my mom gently into her death, that carries me around every day with strength and skill, it's not something I need to manage, it's not something separate from me. It's ME! I am this body. Somehow when I remind myself of this, I feel so much more acceptance and tenderness for those rolls and scars and disappearing eyebrows. Thanks so much. This was a lovely read and just what I needed.
At 80 you look old...get used to it. You earned every line. Yes, take care of your skin/self but don't be a slave to it. Just be your best self as you are now. That is more than enough.
What a beautiful piece! As a woman in her mid-twenties, so much of this resonated with me. Trying to fit the beauty ideal is more about the idea of forcing women to submit to punishment and deprivation than to the idea that the beauty ideal is actually something attainable. Thank you for reminding us not to give a fuck.
Never heard about 'elevens', but I have always liked them. Women with elevens look sophisticated. When they turn their elevens on—I never found the trigger, but it was always something I said—they look intrigued and puzzled at the same time; it's about the best compliment a man can get. My wife started to have elevens in her mid thirties. It was beautiful. When they showed like bold capitals however, I was in deep shit. So turn them on consciously while you can. Oh, by the way, let's call them elevenses, a short daily recess in honour of female sophistication.
What is beautiful, anyway? This piece. As a woman who has let go of makeup in my 50s, most of my attempts at stylish clothes (tbh, I never really achieved any of that), and tries not to give a shit what others think or say despite the decades of programming that tell my nervous system this is dangerous, this resonated with me. Thanks for sharing.
I think about this SO much. I've been wanting to write about telling my daughter she's pretty ... how I waffle back and forth on not wanting to emphasize it too much and wanting her to know we think she is so beautiful. Maybe soon!
When my daughter was young, I tried to compliment her on everything but her appearance, even though I thought she was beautiful. I wanted her to feel confident in her intelligence, strength, kindness, etc. It's such a challenging thing to protect our girls from caring about how they look to others. Send it to me if you write it!
I follow a yoga instructor who refers to the body as ‘container’ and encourages us to settle into ‘the safety of your own container, your home for life.’ It makes me reflect on my body and its value in a way I wish I understood long ago. I’m 64 now and still impatiently wrestle with perceived imperfections when I should be grateful to draw breath in good health every morning.
My dad told my mother when I was a kid to never comment on my appearance, for fear it would go to my head. She told me this in my mid 20s, and I was rather crushed. Had so so so many self image issues growing up and throughout college and felt so homely and plain. It would have been helpful to hear things like “Your hair is great like that!” Or “That color really suits you” at least. The only comments I got re “oh hey you’re pretty today!” were from crass guys wolf whistling and it just….. was shitty.
Not all comments on physical appearance feed the patriarchy
I have another friend who had a similar experience - her parents thought it was a gift that nobody told her she was beautiful, but rather clever and funny, etc. Those are wonderful things to say, but a child needs to know that their parents LOVE looking at them, that they find them beautiful. That's SO different from telling someone they're cute or pretty and not saying anything else! I'm so sorry you had to experience that.
Another Great honest piece! Love the letting go of balloons image. And recollections from the dressing rooms.
My two cents? Wait till you get into your sixties or / and illness is visited upon you…. I mean, NO fucks given. It’s liberating in spite of feeling and often looking like shit. We women must stop catering to societal / cultural / media demands and to men who have largely promulgated such hideous ideals since forever— remember the tiny deformed stub of Chinese women’s feet leaving women pained and utterly helpless to mobilize therefore dependent upon men…. Or the whale bone corsets… the cruel misogynistic patriarchal system with its f’d up rewards and punishments associated with not being beautiful. To hell with all that.
THIS IS IT:
"It was the walk of a woman on display and it brought forth an emotional memory, too: of being a young woman with an identity just barely developed. Someone who wanted to be seen while trying to make sure it didn’t seem like she wanted to be seen.
Then I exhaled, rooting myself back in my 40-something body. Just the memory of being that young was exhausting."
RIGHT? That thing we did - that we almost had to do as products of this era - it was exhausting. It was soul-sucking. And there's been this freedom in seeing that I did it, and understanding the whys/hows of it all. Your Longform essay really named so many aspects I hadn't quite landed on. I honestly love aging for this, I love how we all are helping one another along, finding words for things our mothers' generation probably never could speak or even understand in their 30s and 40s.
When I was 17 I witnessed a 70ish year old woman naked on a deserted beach in France sunbathing. When she noticed our approach she didn’t cover herself or move to hide in any way. I carry her around in my mind a lot. — Thank you for this piece — as a 30 year old new Mom I needed to read so much of this!
I'm so happy I found you and your work. I was talking to friends today about a Carl Jung idea that we don't solve problems but outgrow them, and I applied it to wanting to always look 25 (I am 42)/being outward appearance-focused. I don't think I can solve my desire to look younger, but I think I can transcend/outgrow it.
I love this!
A well-told and insightful piece, Joanna! I remember your phase of life, when I was transitioning out of youthful hotness into a more mature body and mind. It was a thorny transition. I'm 15 years ahead of you, and I'm grateful for my 60-year-old body. I've fully embraced the "I don't give a fuck" stage, which I can't recommend highly enough!
Thank you for this. A couple of days ago, a friend posted something online about aging, and dozens of women posted photos of themselves talking about how much younger they look than their age. It struck me as ageist, and made me uncomfortable, but I couldn't exactly identify why. This helps.
Zawn, I would love to read an essay about this if you wrote one! I feel this so deeply.
The comment 'you don't look your age' drives me bonkers. I do look my age. I look all of my glorious 57 years. THIS is what it looks like.
I LOVE looking my age!
FWIW I am a fan of a badass scowl!
I love being this age and just being able to live into these women we can be
Amazing. Relatable and reminds me of that piece I did for GMP when I was in my own 40s about ruined bodies (remember the “ruined tits” column it was in reaction to). I’m almost 54 it seems like I care less and less who thinks I’m ruined. It’s a good thing
We all look our age. The rest is biological determinism, a should of how, body virtue whatever, pride in conformity, a category mistake, towering misogyny in the form of false comfort no one has ever been comforted by.
I love this article!!! Thank you Joanna!! 👏👏👏
So glad this piece bubbled to the top in Notes so I could find it at this late date. I loved it. Thank you. A while back I read somewhere, "when I was a child, I didn't HAVE a body. I WAS a body." And I keep coming back to that over and over again. This 54 year old body that birthed two kids, and saw my mom gently into her death, that carries me around every day with strength and skill, it's not something I need to manage, it's not something separate from me. It's ME! I am this body. Somehow when I remind myself of this, I feel so much more acceptance and tenderness for those rolls and scars and disappearing eyebrows. Thanks so much. This was a lovely read and just what I needed.
At 80 you look old...get used to it. You earned every line. Yes, take care of your skin/self but don't be a slave to it. Just be your best self as you are now. That is more than enough.
Thank you!!
Don’t be a slave to it. This. 💜♾️
What a beautiful piece! As a woman in her mid-twenties, so much of this resonated with me. Trying to fit the beauty ideal is more about the idea of forcing women to submit to punishment and deprivation than to the idea that the beauty ideal is actually something attainable. Thank you for reminding us not to give a fuck.
Thank you for this! I'm hoping that this all changes a bit, and there are more options for you as you age and become my age.
The beauty ideal can be down right dangerous in the wrong insecure hands of a twenty something 💜♾️
Never heard about 'elevens', but I have always liked them. Women with elevens look sophisticated. When they turn their elevens on—I never found the trigger, but it was always something I said—they look intrigued and puzzled at the same time; it's about the best compliment a man can get. My wife started to have elevens in her mid thirties. It was beautiful. When they showed like bold capitals however, I was in deep shit. So turn them on consciously while you can. Oh, by the way, let's call them elevenses, a short daily recess in honour of female sophistication.
What is beautiful, anyway? This piece. As a woman who has let go of makeup in my 50s, most of my attempts at stylish clothes (tbh, I never really achieved any of that), and tries not to give a shit what others think or say despite the decades of programming that tell my nervous system this is dangerous, this resonated with me. Thanks for sharing.
I think about this SO much. I've been wanting to write about telling my daughter she's pretty ... how I waffle back and forth on not wanting to emphasize it too much and wanting her to know we think she is so beautiful. Maybe soon!
When my daughter was young, I tried to compliment her on everything but her appearance, even though I thought she was beautiful. I wanted her to feel confident in her intelligence, strength, kindness, etc. It's such a challenging thing to protect our girls from caring about how they look to others. Send it to me if you write it!
I follow a yoga instructor who refers to the body as ‘container’ and encourages us to settle into ‘the safety of your own container, your home for life.’ It makes me reflect on my body and its value in a way I wish I understood long ago. I’m 64 now and still impatiently wrestle with perceived imperfections when I should be grateful to draw breath in good health every morning.
My dad told my mother when I was a kid to never comment on my appearance, for fear it would go to my head. She told me this in my mid 20s, and I was rather crushed. Had so so so many self image issues growing up and throughout college and felt so homely and plain. It would have been helpful to hear things like “Your hair is great like that!” Or “That color really suits you” at least. The only comments I got re “oh hey you’re pretty today!” were from crass guys wolf whistling and it just….. was shitty.
Not all comments on physical appearance feed the patriarchy
I have another friend who had a similar experience - her parents thought it was a gift that nobody told her she was beautiful, but rather clever and funny, etc. Those are wonderful things to say, but a child needs to know that their parents LOVE looking at them, that they find them beautiful. That's SO different from telling someone they're cute or pretty and not saying anything else! I'm so sorry you had to experience that.
90% of what I write is gen x nostaliga
Yes, me too. There's a post on here about Manic Pixie Dream Girls you'd prob like.