7 Tiny Things I Loved This Week
Wild opinions on marriage, new deodorant, a tiny lipstick and more
Apparently you guys like this list so I’ll keep doing it.
First, I will tell you that I’ve already written my long-form essay for this week (sending Wednesday) and it’s about something we forget when parenting, especially when raising boys, so my book agent will be happy that I’m actually on-brand for once (hi Maura!). I think you’ll enjoy it, it’s one of those topics that feels obvious when you say it, but for some reason nobody talks about.
Second, I’m going to let you know that the oldest child and I have had a cold that turned us into the crabbiest, most tired monsters on the planet. The green stuff that was coming out of our faces was horrifying. He got antibiotics and I, per usual, decided to power through with a fresh pack of Sudafed and a bad attitude. So far, so good.
With that in mind, please don’t be offended that this list is shorter than usual. I’m just a crabby little snot monster doing my best over here. And remember, this list is in no particular order.
This TikTok that just gets me
The feminine urge to get so upset about literally everything all at once that you forget how to use a door.
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Arianna sent this to me and I’ve never felt so seen. Also, tomorrow is Arianna’s birthday. I don’t believe in horoscopes, but everyone who truly gets me is an Aries.
A marriage essay says the un-sayable
is wild and I love reading her Liberating Motherhood essays so much, even when her perspectives are like 10% more radical than mine (yes, that's possible). This week, her Substack essay was called Maybe it’s Time to Quiet Quit Your Marriage and, boy, did it deliver. Women are socialized from birth to give more than they get, and to accept less than they deserve. Even when a marriage isn’t working, even when it’s abusive, even when they’re woke to the oppressive realities of marriage, women still keep trying. They still wonder if the problem might really be them, if they might really deserve the shitty treatment they’re getting.
It’s time to stop letting that asshole you so unfortunately live with control you, guilt you, and make you think you deserve his bullshit.
Give yourself the gift of giving up
If you don’t have to spend so much time and energy trying to please that asshole you’re stuck living with, you’ll have a lot more time to do what you want. And you’ll be less affected by his emotional terrorism, too.
The best part? Your asshole husband probably isn’t even going to notice that you’ve quiet quit your marriage. Men are socialized not to care about women’s emotions, not to feel much sense of obligation, not to work on their relationships.
This would be offensive if it weren’t so true. There are too many men out there who believe they love their wives and treat them wonderfully, but are actually uncaring, selfish jerks who will never change. (Of course, you’ll say in the comments, lots of men are amazing and not like this! Yes, I know, but this is not about them! I do have an essay half-written called “When Husbands Get It Right” so I promise this isn’t an anti-husband place — except when husbands deserve it.)
As Zawn says, our society makes it hard to leave and sometimes it’s just not possible — or at least not immediately possible — and you just have to do what you have to do.
Another marriage essay did a whole other wild thing
While Zawn insists in her essay that marriage counseling will do little-to-nothing to save a marriage, this NYT op-ed, The Case For Staying Married To A Spouse You Cannot Stand, posits that you can save a bad marriage by staying in it and going to counseling or utilizing the wisdom of famous therapists, like The Gottmans.
I love The Gottmans, and due to my day job in the Experts division of YourTango, I’m a bit of a “therapist nerd” who knows way too much about all of the most famous couples therapists. Personally, I’m a fan of the highly structured Imago technique created by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt (read this great little Imago explainer. I asked Harville to give an example of exactly how one might use Imago in an argument, and I think it’s really helpful). I think Stan Tatkin’s PACT therapy makes a lot of sense — particularly that couples should face one another during therapy instead of sitting side-by-side when talking.
I also love Terry Real for saying that sometimes one of the partners is just wrong and is being a jerk, and that it’s totally OK for the other partner to leave. Terry is also the first noteworthy therapist to talk about “normal marital hatred” — which recently gained a lot of attention when FLOTUS Supreme Goddess Michelle Obama talked about the years when she hated her husband (his name is Barak, in case you forgot) and was filled with rage at him for the inequities in their family when their girls were young.
What both of these essays bring home to me, despite their vastly different perspectives on staying married to someone you hate, is affirmation that — as I’ve asserted right here on this Substack — the institution of marriage is broken AF.
This couple made me believe in the potential of marriage (again)
I’m comfortable saying I don’t know anything, even after a long diatribe being a know-it-all, which is why I’m OK putting this list item below the other two.
Carter sent me this video on Friday and I pushed “play” on the Slack preview and went back to work, listening to it in the background. Within a few minutes, I had to click back and stop everything.
You guys, this couple is everything.
They are every dream I ever had for myself and the world when it comes to love. They laugh a lot, they touch each other gently and casually throughout the day, and she thinks he’s the funniest person she’s ever met despite the fact that she is clearly very fond of her own jokes, too.
Antony and Margy sum up how they’ve remained this happy over so many decades in a few different, powerful ways. Antony says, “I make the coffee for her in the morning and she makes the tea for me at night.”
What a lovely example of reciprocity and care. Of showing up in the little-but-meaningful ways.
I would quote every line of this video if I had the time and the space, but what got to me — what made me actually cry — was this:
“That’s one of the wonderful things about having a companion, is that you see the world through their eyes and it kind of broadens your vision. I can share the things that excite me, and I can share the things that excite her. And sometimes it’s difficult to find that excitement and we share that, as well.
By the same token, you see when they’re suffering or when they’re having a hard time, and that’s part of seeing it through their eyes. Immediately, there’s a sense of reaching out — putting a ladder down a hole where they’ve climbed so they can climb out. Or one can climb in and dance down there and say ‘oh the darkness is quite fun’.”
And that’s what makes these two successful. He sees her. She sees him. They see the world through the other’s eyes.
It’s all empathy. They’ve chosen to empathize with the other every single day so that they can move forward together in a way that will never leave the other behind.
I tried a natural deodorant that didn’t scorch my pits
I’m not convinced there’s anything wrong with aluminum and I love my Dove antiperspirant, but every once in a while I wish I could smell like something salty and European instead of something fruity or powdery, so I try a “natural” deodorant. After a few days, I end up with flaming red armpits.
For whatever reason, this one seems gentler than the others. I love everything Biossance, so I’m not surprised.
It definitely doesn’t do what my Dove does as far as BO, but it does do a thing and smells better so I’m giving it a shot.
PS Biossance also makes the eye cream that I use on my neck - which is skin so sensitive I can barely stand to have anything on it. If your neck gets irritated easily, try a sensitive skin eye cream instead.
This podcast episode, about so much more than it seems
I don’t have a thing for celebrities, so I often skip the episodes of Armchair Expert that are celeb interviews. But I was in a rough spot one day driving into town, so I listened to this one, thinking it would be about movies and gossip.
Well, I was wrong. It is a beautiful, honest, probing conversation where everyone in the room opened up and showed their most raw selves. It’s about her abusive relationship and what it’s like to break patterns we’ve deeply engrained in ourselves.
If you listen, I highly recommend getting all the way through to the end, where Dax and Monica — the best friends-slash-cohosts somehow end up in a conversation mediated by Anna about the time he relapsed on opiates and lied to Monica and gaslit her about it when confronted.
His apology is so moving … I found myself bawling. It’s rare to hear men openly apologize or cry — and he does both here. What a moment.
This lipstick I have actually been wearing
Yes, it’s lipstick and, no, I’m not a time traveler from an era when people wore lipstick.
While buying the aforementioned eye/neck cream at Sephora, they gave me my “birthday gift” I forget to ask for every year as a member. It was a little box with a sample sized Ilia lipstick and mascara (the color at this link is the one I got).
Now, I love mascara samples because you’re supposed to throw mascara away after a few months because of bacteria and blindness or something like that. I so rarely use mascara that I just end up buying and tossing 3/4 of the product. Sample sizes are perfect.
But lipstick? I don’t wear lipstick except to the one fancy event I attend every year. Lucky for me, I was off to Jael’s birthday party that same night and it was just the thing I needed.
It’s a color that’s just a tiny bit darker than my natural lips, and it doesn’t make them dry or flaky like lots of others do. It’s soft, smooth and looks nice even when poorly applied (which is honestly the only way I know how to do it).
You can expect to never see me talk about lipstick here again, so hopefully you enjoyed this.
Wishing you all a lovely week, hopefully you don’t get the crabby-green-snot virus and enjoy these lovely springtime days.
I love these lists. I hope you feel better soon.