Re #2: I've found it helpful to be open to other forms of physical affection too. I still offer (and accept!) hugs, but fist bumps & shoulder taps are good too.
Yes, the shoulder squeeze is a big one in my house. I don't know where they got it from, but they'll do a shoulder squeeze, I'll give them a shoulder squeeze - my big fear with hugs is that somewhere around age 8 or 10 we just stop hugging them - and at the very least we should let them know that we still love hugging them and are there if they want a hug and a cuddle.
My 17 yr old was in the kitchen this AM when I got up -- just sitting there, on his phone, before heading out to work -- and I said "Morning) (w the head nod - you know the head nod), and then said, "Can I give you a hug?" and he kinda looked at me like I was crazy -- good morning hugs aren't really a thing here -- but he said yes & I hugged him. :)
Incredibly important piece, Joanna. Cheering you along as your bring more awareness to this issue. And props on the "action items" at the end. Trying to make sure I'm putting these into play in the boys and young men in my daily life.
This resonates with me as a mom to a very snuggly toddler boy, a partner to a Millennial dad who is trying very hard to tack against toxic masculinity’s influences, and a teacher of Gen Z adolescents. These boys are remarkable -- kind, empathetic, open. I desperately want to create a world where they can remain so.
It's amazing how deeply the roots of this unhealthy form of masculinity run, and how harmful it's been for men and boys for generations (not to mention the horrifying ways in which that pain has spilled over onto everyone else!)
I think these individual actions are super valuable and helpful, but I'd also add that parents should be working on supporting home and social structures and laws that make boys safer too -- sane gun control laws and not having guns in the home, for example (boys are more likely to die by suicide than girls are because men are more likely to use firearms).
I think that's a really important insight, though I can imagine it's challenging to determine whether a victim died because they chose the gun as their means of death (because it was what was available) - or whether they died because they were so committed to the death that they chose a more lethal method by which to attempt.
Looking at this data from KFF, it definitely seems true that states with more firearms appear to have more firearm deaths due to modality. I'd be curious to see if tightening gun laws reduced suicide death rates ... or if it's more of a "culture of guns" that causes people in those states to choose a more lethal method. Lots of questions, but a great point.
On a personal level, I am not anti-gun, but rather pro- significantly stricter gun safety measures both culturally and through laws. I believe this reflects how most U.S. Americans feel about guns - that tightly regulating and tracking them and limiting what/how many/ who can buy them and use them is a better answer that outright bans. I assume we agree, based on what you wrote. Our kids certainly deserve better.
I'm in favor of supporting boys and giving them enough emotional fluency to grow into emotionally balanced men who can express their emotions as well as support others. In the abstract like that, there's not much down side. Where I think it gets tricky is when the difficult emotion in question is sexual frustration or abandonment. There aren't many good models for what to do with that, but there are abundant examples and condemnation of those examples of bad ways to express that. The natural lesson to learn is keep those feelings to yourself - they are toxic and dangerous feelings.
I don't have a solution to that and don't expect you to, either, but I think there's a lack of sympathy and/or non-stigmatized ways to deal with that for both boys and men, that leads to sexual frustration being such a suppressed and dangerous feeling for *some* men. For example, I think we as a culture could be a lot more positive and encouraging about masturbation as an outlet, but by and large it's treated as gross (when boys do it) or the shameful refuge of creeps who aren't attractive enough to find a consensual partner. Whether 14 or 40, the feeling of isolation and deprivation is way deeper than "But my boner!", but that's a feeling that the world - including feminists - usually treat with hostility. Shutting down emotionally may be a bad coping mechanism, but it tends to feel better than getting attacked or feared if a boy (or man) strays outside the "Allowed" zones of which feelings he's allowed to have. Shutting down then becomes easy to generalize to other feelings, not just the sexual ones.
Thanks, Tom. I need to text you back but got in the pool with the little one - lots to say. I will say this - I know the guard that boys (maybe all men too) have to put up, and that's such a fascinating insight about how they watch every move. That's really, really interesting. The guard and hardened expressions are so cultivated and important, but they also seem excruciatingly painful! I agree that we could get a lot done just making it clear that our boys need us around to listen - just listen! IDK why there's such limited space for this, but it's heartbreaking.
Great post, Joanna! Did you see this piece recently by Andrew Reiner? https://www.wbur.org/cognoscenti/2023/06/15/boys-in-crisis-masculinity-andrew-reiner It talks about the perils of disconnecting too soon.
Re #2: I've found it helpful to be open to other forms of physical affection too. I still offer (and accept!) hugs, but fist bumps & shoulder taps are good too.
Yes, the shoulder squeeze is a big one in my house. I don't know where they got it from, but they'll do a shoulder squeeze, I'll give them a shoulder squeeze - my big fear with hugs is that somewhere around age 8 or 10 we just stop hugging them - and at the very least we should let them know that we still love hugging them and are there if they want a hug and a cuddle.
My 17 yr old was in the kitchen this AM when I got up -- just sitting there, on his phone, before heading out to work -- and I said "Morning) (w the head nod - you know the head nod), and then said, "Can I give you a hug?" and he kinda looked at me like I was crazy -- good morning hugs aren't really a thing here -- but he said yes & I hugged him. :)
Incredibly important piece, Joanna. Cheering you along as your bring more awareness to this issue. And props on the "action items" at the end. Trying to make sure I'm putting these into play in the boys and young men in my daily life.
This resonates with me as a mom to a very snuggly toddler boy, a partner to a Millennial dad who is trying very hard to tack against toxic masculinity’s influences, and a teacher of Gen Z adolescents. These boys are remarkable -- kind, empathetic, open. I desperately want to create a world where they can remain so.
It's amazing how deeply the roots of this unhealthy form of masculinity run, and how harmful it's been for men and boys for generations (not to mention the horrifying ways in which that pain has spilled over onto everyone else!)
Amen! So beautifully written!!
Thank you!
I think these individual actions are super valuable and helpful, but I'd also add that parents should be working on supporting home and social structures and laws that make boys safer too -- sane gun control laws and not having guns in the home, for example (boys are more likely to die by suicide than girls are because men are more likely to use firearms).
I think that's a really important insight, though I can imagine it's challenging to determine whether a victim died because they chose the gun as their means of death (because it was what was available) - or whether they died because they were so committed to the death that they chose a more lethal method by which to attempt.
Looking at this data from KFF, it definitely seems true that states with more firearms appear to have more firearm deaths due to modality. I'd be curious to see if tightening gun laws reduced suicide death rates ... or if it's more of a "culture of guns" that causes people in those states to choose a more lethal method. Lots of questions, but a great point.
On a personal level, I am not anti-gun, but rather pro- significantly stricter gun safety measures both culturally and through laws. I believe this reflects how most U.S. Americans feel about guns - that tightly regulating and tracking them and limiting what/how many/ who can buy them and use them is a better answer that outright bans. I assume we agree, based on what you wrote. Our kids certainly deserve better.
I love me a good list of parenting tips! ;)
I'm in favor of supporting boys and giving them enough emotional fluency to grow into emotionally balanced men who can express their emotions as well as support others. In the abstract like that, there's not much down side. Where I think it gets tricky is when the difficult emotion in question is sexual frustration or abandonment. There aren't many good models for what to do with that, but there are abundant examples and condemnation of those examples of bad ways to express that. The natural lesson to learn is keep those feelings to yourself - they are toxic and dangerous feelings.
I don't have a solution to that and don't expect you to, either, but I think there's a lack of sympathy and/or non-stigmatized ways to deal with that for both boys and men, that leads to sexual frustration being such a suppressed and dangerous feeling for *some* men. For example, I think we as a culture could be a lot more positive and encouraging about masturbation as an outlet, but by and large it's treated as gross (when boys do it) or the shameful refuge of creeps who aren't attractive enough to find a consensual partner. Whether 14 or 40, the feeling of isolation and deprivation is way deeper than "But my boner!", but that's a feeling that the world - including feminists - usually treat with hostility. Shutting down emotionally may be a bad coping mechanism, but it tends to feel better than getting attacked or feared if a boy (or man) strays outside the "Allowed" zones of which feelings he's allowed to have. Shutting down then becomes easy to generalize to other feelings, not just the sexual ones.
Thanks, Tom. I need to text you back but got in the pool with the little one - lots to say. I will say this - I know the guard that boys (maybe all men too) have to put up, and that's such a fascinating insight about how they watch every move. That's really, really interesting. The guard and hardened expressions are so cultivated and important, but they also seem excruciatingly painful! I agree that we could get a lot done just making it clear that our boys need us around to listen - just listen! IDK why there's such limited space for this, but it's heartbreaking.