What To Do When Your Kid Hates The Coach (Or The Teacher)

Six empowering ways to help kids grow from challenge without teaching them to tolerate mistreatment

courtesy of a friend of the author’s

What do you do when a kid’s learning situation, whether it’s school, a team, a club or an activity, starts to become problematic?

This is one of those questions that divides generations. If you were Generation X or a Boomer, you probably had no choice in any situation, even if was abusive or you were the target of harassment. Bad coach? Suck it up? Cruddy school? Too bad, that’s life.

Generation Z had it very different — possibly too different — often pulled from from any situation that seemed less-than-conducive to their comfort. We did this because we, their parents, felt so utterly unprotected, and we didn’t want the same for our kids.

How do we protect kids from needless suffering without conditioning them to believe all struggle is needless?

If the situation is abusive, you want to model for kids that they have a right to set boundaries, speak up, ask for help and leave the situation, should it be necessary.

While I don’t have hard-and-fast rules beyond that, here are a few questions I’ve learned to ask myself when I’m struggling to guide one of my kids through an uncomfortable or frustrating situation. This advice came from therapists, coaches, teachers and other experts during my 16 years raising active kids (including an NCAA track athlete and a high school pitcher) and are far from the only ways to help.

When kids are struggling on a team or another committed activity, ask yourself:

1. What are they learning by staying on this team? What are the learning if we leave?

Are they learning to stand up for themselves, adjust bad situations to become better, fight through adversity to overcome a challenge and find creative solutions? Or are they learning that crappy people can treat you crappy and you just have to deal with it?

I can’t answer that for you, that’s between you, a co-parent and your kid and dependent upon the situation.

2. What would I say to my boss in that sort of situation?

Obviously, the boss is a stand-in for the coach. What would help me move forward with my boss and what would set me back? How would I speak to my boss and what would get me fired? Start from there and build outward.

3. What can my kid control and what can they not?

Find what your kid has control over and chase those things — hard.

For instance: attitude, language, posture, confidence and work ethic. Extra throwing into the net in the back yard, hitting the gym (when age-appropriate) or forming a rehearsal group?

A few other ideas: showing up early and leaving late, helping coach/teacher clean up after practice, watching highlight videos or other related media during their down time.

Side note: You’ll be amazed how often a kid doesn’t notice their bad or aggressive attitude until they start to see it as something they can control.

4. Whose opinions can my kid influence and whose seem unmovable?

With what people CAN they control outcomes and recognition — and with whom is their effort irrelevant?

This is key: Once your kid is trying their hardest, they can't control what people think of them. This lesson and practice will set your kid so far ahead in the job market and life.

The goal is not to make a kid immune to others’ opinions. Other people’s opinions are a huge part of being a social creature! It’s about helping your kid feel empowered by choosing whose opinions matter most and whose are not actually about him or her in the first place.

5. What bad habits are you teaching your kid?

Are you talking negatively about the coach, kids or program? We all know how easy it is to make a list of what others are doing wrong, but under normal (i.e. not abusive/extreme situations) it’s almost never the best choice.

The experts we talked to for our book said that we have to model for our kids the attitudes we want THEM to have while they are on the field (or on stage, etc).

So: What do we want them focused on? Talk to your kid about that.

Remember this: blaming others (including the coach) when things go wrong teaches your kid to think about what others are doing wrong during crunch time, rather than what they can control. It pulls them out of the moment, ultimately disempowering them when they need their gumption the most.

If your kid gets in the car pissed off, say, "I totally hear your frustration. I totally get it. But let’s think about what is in YOUR control so you don’t have to feel stuck in the crud all day?"

When he’s complaining about game or featured player time, resist saying, “Those kids aren’t as good as you are, they must be teacher’s pets.”

Instead, ask, "What are some of the traits of the guys who always end up playing? Are any of those things we could work on?"

The most empowering, powerful thing you can do is see your role in something, claim it, and make a plan for changing what is getting in your way.

(Again, please remember: This is not advice about abusive or exploitative situations! No victim of abuse can “control” an abuser’s choice to do harm.)

6. How can I empower my kid to talk directly to the person in charge?

Nearly every coach and professional ball player (as well as many teachers) agree: ask the coach or teacher for a time you can have a quick conversation.

It can look like this:
"Hey coach, do you have a minute to talk about what I can improve on after practice or tomorrow?"

If your kid is younger than, say, 7th grade, you go with to talk to the coach or teacher, but your kid asks the coach the big questions. If your kid is in high school, let the kid start the convo. You only show up if there's a real problem and your kid needs support.

Remind your kid that they should probably steer away from talking about what they believe they “deserve” and focus on asking where they can grow and making sure the coach or teacher understands that they wants more opportunities.

Are these hard and fast rules? Absolutely not.

They are just a few lessons I’ve learned talking to pro ball players, coaches, college scouts, teachers and parents of successful athletes and they will need to be adjusted to your child, their age and development, and the activities they’re enjoying.

Let me know other tips in the comments!

Also read: Bat Boy Sure Has A Lot To Say

Like this? You’ll probably love what my co-author, Christopher Pepper, writes, too! Learn more about our book, Talk To Your Boys, due October 2025 from Workman.