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Fallible Father's avatar

I agree with the premise, as well as many arguments presented, and possible solutions.

I also obviously agree that this hurts not only men, but women in their lives, and society as a whole.

The one thing I might add, or contend with, is the cause of this. It seems implied in the statement that this has been happening for generations, that this is an issue of men not being emotionally open to friends, or this is a long standing issue. That strikes me as not quite right. I cannot speak for my father, or grandfathers, but by my recollection, they did/do have male friends, and are not particularly emotionally open. It strikes me as more likely that this is a recent phenomenon (as argued in Bowling Alone and other great books), and the cause may be different.

I suspect many men do not feel they can socialize in the way that is natural for them, and feel pressured to socialize in the way they see modeled, as opposed to ways that are "toxic."

Men often tease, mock, offer solutions and support, show up to do favors, all for friends. But all those friendships start out with the teasing, the good natured jokes, boundary pushing to see how people respond and if they will bail when you say something that is off color, etc. Working with young men in a community organization, I see that behavior stopping, and they tend to seem unsure how to proceed. Men are not going to just open up, they need to warm up to each other, know the person can hear them say things that may turn a person off without running, and through that, know they can be counted on to be there when there is need.

I worry that pushing men to get friends, while discouraging the things that men do with friends (tease, mock, test boundaries, all without malice) is like asking cats to enjoy the outdoors without hunting birds and mice. They seem to go hand in hand.

Thank you for writing, and for taking seriously the issue that many men do seem to be struggling. As you said, it is a problem that we can see dragging everyone down.

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Bill Meleney's avatar

Joanna Schroeder has suggested I write an article on this subject. The draft is about to be sent. Maybe you can see it soon. Bill Meleney, mostly retired psychotherapist, procrastinating on starting training for therapists. See my neglected SubStack: Be A Better Psychotherapist.

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