This week, Christopher and I had a ton of fun joining Jennifer Fink on a Substack Live for her to talk about our new book, Talk To Your Boys, which is available now! We covered a TON of stuff: the sweetness of boys, the effects of prescriptive gender on our kids, and (yes) Charlie Kirk’s death.

I wanted to share a question that popped up in Jennifer’s comments because it’s one Christopher and I are asked frequently.

(Also, you can click here to ask Joanna and Christopher a question of your own - scroll down to the bottom once you click in…)

Real mom question:

“I try my best to listen to my teenage boys, but it gets really tough sometimes when they start spouting political views that are anathema to what I believe. I blame YouTube and its ugly algorithms. :( Any advice?” — Emily

Here’s what I shared:

There are SO many people going through it — you are far from alone!

First, ask if he'd show you some of his favorite things to watch hosted by people who share his opinions.

You’ll need to be prepared to be annoyed, triggered or even outraged, so own your feelings up front.

Try saying something like, "Hey, I know we disagree on a lot, but I really am curious about the people you watch and wonder if I could see more of their videos because it's clear you really respect them. I’m going to give objectivity my best shot if you’re willing to do the same for me.”

We have found this all works better when you work hard to authentically adjust your goals. You're not trying to change their minds or their politics, you're trying to understand how and why they got there and what needs are being met by the people influencing them. It's possible that your sons are drawn in by the idea of being protective or helpful, or they may be dealing with some hurt, rejection or fears and these influencers are addressing those feelings.

Once we know what resonates with them, we can try to find ways to connect with that part or to try to show ways in which your beliefs system may also connect with him.

Beyond that, it's all about modeling empathy without shame. If they take an offensive stance, you could try keeping calm and asking them to zoom out and think more globally about the issue.

Try replying, "I hear you're saying [and then repeat what you think you're hearing], but the way I see that, it feels like it could be really hurtful to some people. Do you see what I mean?"

There are literally dozens of scripts in our book to help with all of this, because these frustrations are being felt everywhere — especially in the wake of September 10th. Not just because Charlie Kirk was assassinated, but because a young man opened fire at Evergreen High School on the same day, reportedly motivated by hate-based extremist influences.

Despite how high our emotions are running, we have to resist the temptation to show any sort of disgust toward our kids, and in turbulent times, it can be hard not to feel disgusted by some people's political perspectives.

But, as Dr. John Duffy says, disgust from parents does enormous damage to a child’s relationship with their parents and can seriously affect a kid's self-esteem.

Order Talk To Your Boys now!

A few notes from this week:

Jordan Reid of Ramshackle Glam fame will be joining me tomorrow, September 18th, at Zibby’s Bookshop in Santa Monica for a Q&A, reading and signing of Talk To Your Boys! Please join us if you’re around!

Livestream Joanna and Jordan’s conversation here, 6pm to 7pm PST Thursday!

If you’re feeling listless, anxious or aimless during these turbulent times, I highly recommend picking up one of Jordan’s activity books. Research shows that writing about our feelings and experiences can help us process them — and doing activities like coloring and puzzles can be a healthy distraction from the news.

Check out The Big Activity Book For Anxious People and The Everybody Gets Anxious Activity Book for kids, tweens and teens. We have this one here at home, and my daughter LOVES it.

Finally, I’m going to write more about launch week over the weekend, but Zibby invited us to join her and the other authors on the Zibby’s Most Anticipated List for a party and signing at her shop on Saturday. Because, YES, Talk To Your Boys made her list!!

We just got some of the photos back from the photographer and they are SO FUN. What a day!

Learn more about Joanna and Christopher’s work at on our website!

What do you do when a kid’s learning situation, whether it’s school, a team, a club or an activity, starts to become problematic?

This is one of those questions that divides generations. If you were Generation X or a Boomer, you probably had no choice in any situation, even if was abusive or you were the target of harassment. Bad coach? Suck it up? Cruddy school? Too bad, that’s life.

Generation Z had it very different — possibly too different — often pulled from from any situation that seemed less-than-conducive to their comfort. We did this because we, their parents, felt so utterly unprotected, and we didn’t want the same for our kids.

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How do we protect kids from needless suffering without conditioning them to believe all struggle is needless?

If the situation is abusive, you want to model for kids that they have a right to set boundaries, speak up, ask for help and leave the situation, should it be necessary.

While I don’t have hard-and-fast rules beyond that, here are a few questions I’ve learned to ask myself when I’m struggling to guide one of my kids through an uncomfortable or frustrating situation. This advice came from therapists, coaches, teachers and other experts during my 16 years raising active kids (including an NCAA track athlete and a high school pitcher) and are far from the only ways to help.

When kids are struggling on a team or another committed activity, ask yourself:

1. What are they learning by staying on this team? What are the learning if we leave?

Are they learning to stand up for themselves, adjust bad situations to become better, fight through adversity to overcome a challenge and find creative solutions? Or are they learning that crappy people can treat you crappy and you just have to deal with it?

I can’t answer that for you, that’s between you, a co-parent and your kid and dependent upon the situation.

2. What would I say to my boss in that sort of situation?

Obviously, the boss is a stand-in for the coach. What would help me move forward with my boss and what would set me back? How would I speak to my boss and what would get me fired? Start from there and build outward.

3. What can my kid control and what can they not?

Find what your kid has control over and chase those things — hard.

For instance: attitude, language, posture, confidence and work ethic. Extra throwing into the net in the back yard, hitting the gym (when age-appropriate) or forming a rehearsal group?

A few other ideas: showing up early and leaving late, helping coach/teacher clean up after practice, watching highlight videos or other related media during their down time.

Side note: You’ll be amazed how often a kid doesn’t notice their bad or aggressive attitude until they start to see it as something they can control.

4. Whose opinions can my kid influence and whose seem unmovable?

With what people CAN they control outcomes and recognition — and with whom is their effort irrelevant?

This is key: Once your kid is trying their hardest, they can't control what people think of them. This lesson and practice will set your kid so far ahead in the job market and life.

The goal is not to make a kid immune to others’ opinions. Other people’s opinions are a huge part of being a social creature! It’s about helping your kid feel empowered by choosing whose opinions matter most and whose are not actually about him or her in the first place.

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5. What bad habits are you teaching your kid?

Are you talking negatively about the coach, kids or program? We all know how easy it is to make a list of what others are doing wrong, but under normal (i.e. not abusive/extreme situations) it’s almost never the best choice.

The experts we talked to for our book said that we have to model for our kids the attitudes we want THEM to have while they are on the field (or on stage, etc).

So: What do we want them focused on? Talk to your kid about that.

Remember this: blaming others (including the coach) when things go wrong teaches your kid to think about what others are doing wrong during crunch time, rather than what they can control. It pulls them out of the moment, ultimately disempowering them when they need their gumption the most.

If your kid gets in the car pissed off, say, "I totally hear your frustration. I totally get it. But let’s think about what is in YOUR control so you don’t have to feel stuck in the crud all day?"

When he’s complaining about game or featured player time, resist saying, “Those kids aren’t as good as you are, they must be teacher’s pets.”

Instead, ask, "What are some of the traits of the guys who always end up playing? Are any of those things we could work on?"

The most empowering, powerful thing you can do is see your role in something, claim it, and make a plan for changing what is getting in your way.

(Again, please remember: This is not advice about abusive or exploitative situations! No victim of abuse can “control” an abuser’s choice to do harm.)

6. How can I empower my kid to talk directly to the person in charge?

Nearly every coach and professional ball player (as well as many teachers) agree: ask the coach or teacher for a time you can have a quick conversation.

It can look like this:
"Hey coach, do you have a minute to talk about what I can improve on after practice or tomorrow?"

If your kid is younger than, say, 7th grade, you go with to talk to the coach or teacher, but your kid asks the coach the big questions. If your kid is in high school, let the kid start the convo. You only show up if there's a real problem and your kid needs support.

Remind your kid that they should probably steer away from talking about what they believe they “deserve” and focus on asking where they can grow and making sure the coach or teacher understands that they wants more opportunities.

Are these hard and fast rules? Absolutely not.

They are just a few lessons I’ve learned talking to pro ball players, coaches, college scouts, teachers and parents of successful athletes and they will need to be adjusted to your child, their age and development, and the activities they’re enjoying.

Let me know other tips in the comments!

Also read: Bat Boy Sure Has A Lot To Say

Like this? You’ll probably love what my co-author, Christopher Pepper, writes, too! Learn more about our book, Talk To Your Boys, due October 2025 from Workman.

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You know that feeling where you can’t get comfortable in bed? Too hot with the blanket but too cold without it, the mattress is lumpy and the pillow is somehow just not right? My internal chaos feels like that, but rising up from inside me; a soul-deep rumbling like a big truck passing, except in my guts and not related to digestion. Nothing is wrong, really, I’m just restless.

It’s probably the looming spectre of our book being due to Workman in the spring, or maybe the low-key knowledge that my oldest baby is now living 1089.8 miles away (not that I’ve counted) or that my daughter is starting kindergarten and I have 13 more years of grade school ahead of me. No big deal, just life.

My bouts of ennui often lead to throwing myself into social media so I can drown in the poorly-formed opinions of people I don’t know or respect; opinions placed into my timeline or FYP by an algorithm that, in my mind, looks like Norm the robot from Finneas and Ferb.

I think we can all agree that turning to social media when one is stuck in an emotional swamp is generally a poor idea.

But it’s not always a bad outcome. Sometimes I find things that make me feel better. An inspiring meme, an emotional insight, a dog sitting patiently while a small child to covers it with stickers.

Sometimes Norm blesses me with joy, sometimes with rage.

I promise this Substack gives advice about parenting

But you’ll need to bear with me for two stories before we get there.

First, a hero:

This morning, Norm … I mean the algorithm on TikTok … showed me a video of a man on a hike who stumbled upon a woman — a stranger — yelling for help from a cliff’s edge in the Columbia River Gorge in Oregon. The man, wearing a GoPro on his chest for his hike, ran to assist.

The woman’s mother had stepped off the trail and was clinging 50 feet above a dangerous waterfall. Her daughter, who happens to only have one arm, caught her mother’s foot in her hand. She knew that without a second arm, she wouldn’t be able to pull her mother up. Her daughter holds strong, but is clearly panicked.

At one point in the struggle to keep the older woman from falling, her mother tells her daughter, “Let me go!”

This moment took my breath away. As a mom, I imagine she feared her daughter would be pulled down into the rocks and raging water along with her. Like most of us would, she’d rather her daughter let her go and save herself. Fortunately, it doesn’t come to that.

This rescue is all on tape and, of course, all over social media. While the camera is facing the ground throughout the bulk of the rescue, we can hear their words, their labored breathing and every second of the rescue is gripping.

It’s clear from the audio that this man was born to be a hero, gifted with the calmness and reassuring tone one usually reserves for their own children or elderly parent. He tells the mother that she’s not going anywhere, they’re not going to let her go, they’re going to get her up.

Her daughter asks how they’re going to do it, asks him to tell her how to help her mom, and he instructs her to take her other hand and grasp her mom’s other foot. That’s when she says, “I only have one arm”. He pauses. It’s clear he’ll need a new plan and it’s not going to be easy.

I’ve been in an emergency like this before. A child drowned in a friend’s pool and I was the one who took the child, cold and blue and without a pulse, from the parent’s arms after they were pulled from the bottom. I started CPR and then moved the parent’s hands to the child’s chest to keep compressions going. After four minutes operating in a type of mental numbness that only happens when your brain knows there’s no time for terror, this child woke. A few hours later, every bit of horror my brain had so effectively protected me from when it was “go time” hit me and I cried through the entire night.

Because of that, I know how the man with the GoPro was feeling. He didn’t think “How is this real?” He only thought, “What do I do now?” and then “What do I do next?”.

As I noted, the GoPro faces the dirt, giving the viewer a terrifying warning of what’s to come: crumbling soil at the edge of the cliff while the man pauses to try to figure out what to do next. Another shift and he’s in action.

“I’m going to pull you up,” he says and just does it. When her arms are high enough, he grabs under her armpits (which he tells her he is going to do before he does it — a fascinatingly respectful choice to make in a moment where all decisions are essentially reflexes). Here, he makes a reflexive noise that reminds me of the final push I gave in each of my childbirths: something like a grunt, from the expulsion of every bit of air from your lungs, from every single muscle being dedicated to one single task, from your entire body going until failure. And then she’s up.

@cashboxchallengeI went to hide $1,000 at multnomah falls. On my walk back this happened! #multnomahfalls #oregon #portland #portlandoregon #cliff #hiking #hero #gopro

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This story is an illustration of how social media can give us glimpses into the purest good of humanity. I also tell this story so you can keep it in mind when I tell the next one.

Don’t worry, it’s not traumatic, it’s just stupid. Then I’ll come back to this happy one.

The benefits of spending time on social media when you’re a parent

I don’t know how healthy people use social media, but I often like to visit the Twitter accounts of people whom I know are going to tick me off. Sometimes I do this to learn what the “other guys” are up to and it’s illuminating and helpful. Sometimes I do it for the same reason I watch Real Housewives of Whatever City — because I hate myself and I want to be annoyed.

The latter is what I was doing the other night when I stumbled upon a handsome Texan dad who recommended never letting your kids attend public school because some admins in a Colorado Springs school told a boy to remove a “Don’t Tread On Me” patch from his backpack before he could return to class with it.

Now, I’m not going to talk about whether kids have the right to wear whatever they want to a public school (or a charter school, as the one in this story happens to be). I’m also going to save for another day the topic of believing your child is too fragile to attend school with people who have different opinions.

Instead, I want to talk about the utter trash-fire way in which both sides of the political spectrum handled this story.

Most importantly, I want to talk about how we can use viral videos to help raise independent thinkers — kids who are less likely to fall for media manipulation.

The boy with the ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ backpack & a half-dozen images of firearms

A video of the parent-admin meeting was taken by the boy’s mother and shared by a right-wing influencer on Twitter, where it went viral. The influencer framed the story as being about a child who was kicked out of class for having a Gadsden flag patch on his backpack.

But that’s not quite accurate.

Where the Right went wrong:

According to multiple news sources, the boy wasn’t removed from class because of a Gadsden flag, it was because of patches with images of firearms on the bag along with the flag. Apparently he removed the gun patches, but wouldn’t remove the flag.

Why does the omission of the firearm patches matter? Because the initial framing of the story paints this child as a sweet little patriot, standing up for his right to wear a historical American flag to school.

If the original post had led with something more accurate, like, “He was initially asked to remove a half-dozen patches depicting long rifles” we may see the situation differently. After all, a fascination with firearms and sharing images of guns — specifically the ones designed to kill a lot of people in a short time — is a common early sign of a school shooter.

Of course, the vast majority of kids who are into guns will never become mass shooters, but I think we can all admit some discomfort with children who break school rules to advertise a passion for long rifles. After a school shooting, there are conversations among people on all sides of the political spectrum about why school shooters aren’t detected and intervened upon earlier, and the fascination with guns always seems to come up as something that administrators should have noticed.

That isn’t to say that this child is a school shooter — I would never say that about any child who is not clearly planning an attack, and there are no indications this child was doing that.

In fact, I doubt he had any ill intent at all, and that’s one of the things that turns my stomach about what that right-wing influencer did when he pushing this video into the public space on his large social platform.

He took a child who is probably too young to understand the multifaceted implications of his choices and thrust him into the spotlight as the symbol of one of the most emotional debates in the history of this country: whether the right to own a semiautomatic firearm and large capacity magazine should outweigh a child’s right to be safe in school.

From my perspective, the boy is an innocent pawn in all of this and has zero intention of harm.

He may be virtue signaling to fellow far-right folks that he’s one of them: a gun-loving fan of Doge, Christianity and the American Revolution. In the end, he’s just too young to make an informed choice about whether he wants to be in the metaphorical crosshairs of this controversy.

Where the Left went wrong:

This school entrenched on an issue they didn’t fully understand and ended up looking foolish — and by extension made progressives look oppressive and ridiculous.

The Gadsden flag does not have a historical foundation in slavery. It is a flag dating back to the American Revolution. Yes, slavery was an institution in Colonies then and the man who designed the flag reportedly enslaved people. All of this is horrific and there is no excusing it.

But there are plenty of historical events that occurred during America’s horrific period of slavery that we don’t immediately attribute to being about slavery or rooted in slavery. Think about the Boston Tea Party or the fact that nearly all of our early Presidents (trough Ulysses S. Grant) enslaved people and participated in human trafficking — to their great benefit. Slavery is at the foundation of the forming of this nation and its effects are still being felt today. We should never forget that.

But progressives should strive to be historically accurate so we can be seen as trustworthy advocates for freedom and human rights — not silly or ahistorical.

It should be noted that the Gadsden flag has been adopted by many racist groups in the last few decades — especially since the Trump Era. Even Reason Magazine, a libertarian publication, acknowledges that many racist groups have appropriated this flag.

While they’re in the minority, other non-hateful groups have also used the Gadsden as a symbol of their fight for freedom. There’s even a Pride version of the Gadsden, which is less shocking than it seems on the surface. After all, the Pride movement is rooted in standing up against oppressive governmental intervention in individuals’ lives. Many LGBTQIA activists have died as a result, including last month’s shooting death of an ally over a Pride flag on her business.

If you ask me, a rainbow Gadsden flag, in its purest form, makes perfect sense for this movement.

Regardless of all these nuances, this school made a foolish mistake.

They’re educators who didn’t stop to educate themselves on the history of this flag before asking a child to remove it from his backpack.

While I believe everyone can make mistakes and should be forgiven for doing so, the way they entrenched on their position in their first press statement by essentially ignoring their mistake and focusing on the fact that the child had patches with images of long rifles made them look silly.

How hard would it have been to simply say, “Hey, some people associate this flag with racism and we want to make sure we aren’t making any other students uncomfortable. Please leave it at home for a few days while we look into the issue further”?

But they didn’t! The video makes the educators look ridiculous. Their statement ignoring the misinformation and focusing on the guns makes it look like a cover-up and distraction, when, in fact, a child having images of firearms all over his backpack is a legitimate cause for concern.

The school eventually ruled to let the boy wear his Gadsden flag to school, but most of the damage has been done. Moderates and progressives with legitimate concerns over racism and gun violence will be further dismissed as silly.

What do the Gadsden flag & the Oregon cliff hero have to do with parenting?

They’re both examples of viral content that can be used to teach our kids critical thinking skills and media literacy.

Teens and tweens are smarter than we give them credit for, and one of the things they resist most is enforced ideology — and for good reason. Essentially, the teenage brain changes in ways that encourage them to push away from their parents and experiment with different adventures, interests and even beliefs systems. (For more into both the brain science and psychology of this process, read Dr. Dan Siegel’s book, Brainstorm.)

In other words, teenagers are wired to detect bullshit and narrow-mindedness in their parents and to rebel against it.

Using viral videos & social media trends to teach kids to think independently

When you see a news story like this Gadsden flag one, dig into it and see if you can find ways in which both sides are right and ways in which they are wrong.

In order for this to work, we have to be objective, and that is surprisingly hard!

It requires stepping out of the comfort zone of the like-minded thinkers we usually follow and seeking out others’ opinions. Sometimes it involves reading objective, fact-based online resources like Encyclopedia Brittanica and finding out the actual history of the Gadsden Flag or whatever other thing at the center of a controversy. Then we have to sit with all sides to find an opinion we can stand by.

Often, the hardest thing is admitting that you don’t know what is objectively the right way to think or feel about something. In this case, I will admit that I don’t know how to feel about this Gadsden flag issue. I am an ACLU progressive — meaning I believe people have the right to freedom of speech without legal consequences, even when I hate what that speech symbolizes. (Remember, social consequences for one’s speech are totally different than legal consequences, and do not fall under the rights afforded by The First Amendment.)

It may seem weak to admit that we don’t know the right answer on an issue, but it’s a huge lesson to our teens: It means we’re willing to be as intellectually honest as possible, even if it means saying, “I have no idea”.

This models for kids that sometimes it’s better to step away from the bandwagon and let it pass than to jump on it — regardless of which political bandwagon it is.

Before anyone calls this “both sides-ism”, let me make clear that there isn’t “another side” to racism, sexism, antisemitism, homophobia, transphobia or any other type of bigotry. There is freedom and there is oppression and choosing to be part of any sort of oppression is the definition of being anti-freedom.

But what freedom, justice and morality look like and how they are achieved are full of shades of grey, shades worth looking into with our kids. At the very least, this exercise teaches teens how to practice objectivity.

It also teaches kids we can be trusted to listen and consider all perspectives before judging.

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Like I said before, tweens and teens learn quickly whom they can trust to hear them out. If a kid comes to a parent with a social or political issue they heard about online, and we respond with, “Where did you hear that garbage? That is such trash!” or “I knew I shouldn’t let you watch YouTube!” we teach them to we aren’t a safe place to ask questions.

Where do kids go when they can’t come to their parents to have respectful, objective conversations about politics and/or morality? The internet. And you know who is waiting on the internet for teenagers to type in questions about politics? Extremists with compelling arguments, persuasive sales points, and absolutely no moral center. They frame their positions as heroic, but they’re actually just looking to exploit our kids.

Remember, Google and the social media apps collect demographic data on all of us — including our teenagers — and it they know who is asking the question, what controversial videos to show them on TikTok, what ads to serve them on YouTube, and which Google results they’re most likely to click on.

Teach kids how emotions are manipulated for political gain

It would be nice if kids came to us respectfully asking if they can talk about some controversial opinion or news story so we could plate some cookies and milk, sit down on the couch, and talk together about feelings and social justice and doing the right thing like this is some sort of 1980s After School Special.

But that’s probably not what’s going to happen.

Instead, your kid will say something obnoxious they heard online or from a friend, something both insulting and incorrect, and we need to be able to handle it like grown-ass adults and not make our kids feel stupid, ignored or ashamed. We need to be able to have the uncomfortable conversation without pushing a kid into secrecy or isolation, the latter of which is particularly concerning with teenage boys.

The biggest challenge — and likely the most important one — is to hear the emotions behind the words or the meme or the trend and address that before the problem.

Let’s use the term “toxic masculinity” for an example. I know there’s a lot of pain behind the pushback against this phrase because it implies that being a man equals being toxic. While this isn’t what educated critics mean when they use this term, it’s hard for many people to see that. For those of us who were taught that negative generalizations are bad, it’s hard to stomach something like this.

In this case, if a teen came to me talking about toxic masculinity, I’d share this analogy:

“If I told you to take the rotten vegetables out of the fridge because rotten vegetables can make you sick, you wouldn’t think I meant to pull all veggies out of the fridge because they’re all rotten — and you wouldn’t think I meant all veggies make you sick. In the same way, the problems with toxic masculinity are about forms of masculinity that are harmful.”

Importantly, we should also recognize that hearing about toxic masculinity could feel hurtful to a teenage boy who interprets this to mean that masculinity is inherently bad.

After all, he’s probably trying his best to be a good kid, to be respectful to girls and his teachers, to do the right thing most of the time and to generally avoid drama. He may be wondering how he could be toxic if he never wanted to harm a girl or oppress anyone.

If you address the facts and ignore the hurt at the core of his confusion or imply his feelings are silly or incorrect, you risk him feeling like his emotions don’t matter to you — and guess what actually does contribute to toxic masculinity: expecting men and boys to repress their emotions or feel shame around them.

Instead, recognize the pain/sadness/frustration, empathize with him over those emotions, and then gently correct the facts about whatever problematic or simply incorrect thing he’s heard and repeated.

Share the good news, too

Don’t just sit down with your kids to talk about the evils of social media or the things people are getting wrong. Don’t just share the warnings or what upsets you.

We need to share the good news, too. Show them the Oregon cliff rescue video and talk about what made that man a hero. Talk about the value of doing the right thing, not just when you find a senior citizen hanging off the side of a cliff, but also when the queer kid in school is being mocked or when a guy you know is making a girl uncomfortable.

Talk about standing up for a kid who is being gossiped about or saying, “that’s not cool” when someone makes a racist joke. Talk about the ways in which so many people are heroes every day in ways that don’t get caught on camera and how the times we choose to do what’s right even though nobody is filming are the ones that matter most.

And before it sounds like I have this all figured out or like I think I’m so great at it, please believe me when I tell you that I started out really, really bad at it (and sometimes I’m still overreactive).

When I first heard my sons saying phrases I had only heard from the MRAs who spent their days trying to ruin my life, I almost cried. I was angry. But after a few minutes and a quiet intervention from my husband who saw the panic in my eyes, I realized that these were innocent little boys who had heard terms online that they didn’t understand.

Yes, I told them why those terms upset me and I shared the emotional toll of years of violent threats, degrading comments and harassment I’ve endured from people who used terms like that. (Someday I’ll tell you about the time my boys watched a famous YouTuber spend 20 minutes talking about what a moron B-word I am and how that changed the way they see online content.)

But I also reassured them that I know that’s not what they meant. Once they understood that I wasn’t mad at them, I was able to dig into the source of of where they were learning these terms. That’s how I stumbled upon an epidemic of young being targeted online for recruitment by hate groups. With my kids by my side, I set out on a mission to expose it. The rest, as they say, is history.

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Joanna Schroeder is a writer and media critic whose work has appeared in The New York Times, The Boston Globe, Esquire, and more. Her parenting book, TALK TO YOUR BOYS, co-written with Christopher Pepper, publishes in 2025 via Workman Publishing.

'Confronting Conspiracy Theories and Organized Bigotry at Home: A Guide For Parents & Caregivers', a resource guide Schroeder co-authored with The Western States Center, is available as a download at no cost.

Also read: 6 Ways Parents Can Help End The Crisis With Boys & Men

Preview image begrudgingly credited to Amazon

I believe this point deserves some clarification.

I do not mean that white men in positions of authority in our society, both as individuals and as a group, cannot be in danger due to mental health challenges or addiction. In fact, that demographic is also in serious danger when it comes to these conditions.

What I mean is that they do not lack the systematic power to make change, nor did this group grow up in an educational system that was unfavorable for typical white males.

This demographic is a prime example of the ways in which society can both serve a population and harm them at the same time, as this specific group holds enough power to change just about anything. The problem is, the oppressive traditions of silence and stoicism were so heavily enforced for so many generations — often with physical violence — that they cannot be undone overnight.

Put simply, yesterday’s article is about what parents of boys can do to start helping the boys we have now, who are a different generation who will face a different system of power as they grow up. I care deeply about what’s happening with men and believe any man who is suffering should receive treatment and compassion.

How adult men can specifically make this change, however, is beyond the scope of yesterday’s article — and outside my range of expertise.

If you zoom out on the article and the action items, you’ll see that the article is about how to maintain a healthy emotional attachment with a boy as he grows, and the heartbreaking ways in which we often assume boys don’t need the same emotional attachments as girls.

As I noted in that article, this is just a one tiny part of the solution for how to help boys who are struggling.

Hopefully it’s clear that nothing can fully prevent depression or mental illness in any population. Rather, we hope to help our boys feel like they have people who love them, support them, and who can make space to hold all and any of their complicated emotions.

On boys and depressive expression:

It is clear, and has been for years, that boys and men often express depression differently than girls and women, and bearing that in mind can be helpful for parents.

A few helpful resources on the topic of male depression:

Men: A Different Depression (American Psychological Association)

NIH: Comparing depressive symptoms in boys and girls

Depression’s Problem With Men (AMA Journal of Ethics)

Boys Experience Depression Differently Than Girls: here’s why that matters (Science Daily)

I Don’t Want To Talk About It: Overcoming The Secret Legacy Of Male Depression by Terrence Real (note: This is one of my favorite books on the subject. It’s easy to read and incredibly helpful for anyone who wants to understand men’s relationship with their own depression and what needs to change. Real is a clinician in practice with men, couples and families and one of my favorite writers and leaders in this field.)

Read my original article & action items here: 6 Ways Parents Can Help End ‘The Boy Crisis’

Boys and men are in crisis.

I know it can be hard to believe, considering that the vast majority of elected officials, powerful judges, tenured professors and presidents of universities and colleges, Fortune 500 CEOs, lobbyists, millionaires and billionaires, surgeons, and more are men — white men who grew up in immense privilege.

How are these the people in crisis?

Well, they’re not. Not in the way we may immediately think about, at least.

Those guys are white Boomers and elder Gen-X guys, and most of them came from families with financial privilege. Their generations also grew up in an educational system that favored them.

[Author’s note, added after publication: For further clarification, please read the short note I added here, which elaborates on what I mean by the specific men in power in our society not being in trouble — because, of course, anyone can be at risk of suicide, addiction or any other mental health issue, and men from all demographics are struggling with these issues.]

But younger Millennial and Gen-Z boys are different. Here’s a very quick (and incomplete) list of reasons why:

• They came of age during a shift in educational policies, including No Child Left Behind, which left them sitting for longer periods of time with fewer breaks, reduced access to recess or PE classes, and reduced staffing in schools and forced teachers to adhere to limited curricula — changes which appeared to harm boys the most

• They grew up with the Internet and smart phones, which means they were exposed to more adult material earlier and their parents were more distracted when not at work

• Two global recessions created an economy where their parents had to work more hours for less money while the traditionally secure and lucrative jobs that male heads of household held, like unionized manufacturing and middle-management jobs, all but disappeared entirely

• Health insurance became more expensive and less comprehensive, with higher deductibles and less access to affordable mental health care**

• The “Girl Power” and “Future Is Female” campaigns, while necessary, wonderful and empowering for girls, often left boys wondering where they fit in society

• Online campaigns* featuring phrases like “all men suck” and "all men are r*pists” took hold as justifiably angry women and girls vented their frustration with the systems of power that kept dangerous men from facing consequences. Lacking nuance, boys saw this commentary online and couldn’t help but feel shame and/or anger at being judged simply because of their sex or gender

• Boys’ and men’s disillusionment and isolation made them targets of exploitative propaganda encouraging them to find identity in negative and unhealthy sources like pick up artistry, online trolling, anti-woman hate, and racist and other bigoted anti-democracy organizing — all of which further isolated these young men from their IRL loved ones (including girls and women they might like to form real relationships with) and often left them ashamed and empty once the promise of empowerment showed to be a sales gimmick

• Generational legacies of enforced stoicism kept boys locked in what’s often called “the man box” as the world changed around them

With all of this in mind, I hope you’ll open your mind to the reality that many of our boys and men are struggling, and read my deeper dive into the emotional lives of boys below.

(You can also skip straight to the list for action items)

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When our kids are babies, we hold them incredibly close, feeding them against our chests, gazing into their eyes and mirroring their sounds and expressions. When they say “gooooo” and we say “goooooo” back to them, we tell them, I see you and you are good. You are safe, you are loved. This is an essential part of helping a baby feel secure.

As they grow older, we give them hugs and cuddles at the end of their little preschool days. We hold them tight when they get hurt, reassuring them that they will feel better soon. They sit on our laps to read books and we snuggle them close at bedtime, nuzzling into their necks and giving kisses on the cheek.

We do all of this for babies and toddlers, regardless of their gender.

But something happens as kids grow up. They create autonomy and push out into the world. This, too, happens regardless of gender, and we understand that it is normal and healthy. One day you wake up with a tween or teen who is different than that tiny kid you cradled, and you realize that you haven’t hugged that child in days — maybe even weeks.

If you have a son, it’s likely you assumed that he wouldn’t want to be cuddled by his parents. He’s awkward and may be adjusting to new hormones and body changes, and maybe he wants to be alone or listening to his headphones all the time. Unless he’s visibly angry or dressed like Marilyn Manson, we don’t think much about our older sons’ emotional lives.

While teenage girls may be prickly and private, we never assume they have shallow emotional lives or that they don’t still need love and affection. In most families, girls still get lots of hugs from their parents as they grow up, and many even hold hands or accept a snuggle in tender moments, like watching a movie while sharing a blanket.

The same image doesn’t come to mind for a teenage boy and his dad — or even his mom. A son sitting next to his dad on the couch and sharing a blanket to watch a movie may even seem unnatural to some.

But why? Why do we think boys and girls suddenly develop these vastly different needs as they grow older?

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You don’t have to be a family that longs for “the good old days when men were men and women were women” (what did that ever even mean?) to find yourself believing that most men are islands, stoic and thick-skinned. This stereotype is deeply entwined with homophobia and works its way into our minds in ways we rarely acknowledge.

I deliver this message free of judgement. I’m that mom who bought my boys dollies and an Easy-Bake Oven and snuggled them endlessly as little ones. I cultivated gentleness while teaching them “feelings words” when they were small. But I’m also the mom who stopped doing those things as they grew older — without really questioning why. It happened slowly, without me even noticing.

What I didn’t immediately realize was that they were still relying on me, as their parent, to reach out to them for hugs and cuddles and to create a specific type of safety where they could talk openly and freely.

I didn’t think much about this until my friend’s teen daughter started struggling with boys — boyfriends and guy friends alike — becoming overly reliant upon her for emotional support. They didn’t want to be alone, they needed to talk. I heard from more moms that this was happening, that girls were on the phone all night long trying to be emotional support for desperate boys.

Even in progressive communities that openly embrace LGBTQIA+ students and queer parents, there is a subtext of what’s “gay” for a boy: talking deeply about feelings, touching each other non-romantically in an earnest way, etc.

Given all of these factors, who is a straight boy to turn to when he’s lonely? Who will he ask for physical affection when he needs it? A girlfriend, a peer who is a girl, or a hookup, most likely. The problem is, a peer is just that — a fellow kid. Girls aren’t prepared for that type of labor.

This process is not just unfair to girls, it’s devastating for boys.

Some boys won’t have the opportunity to rely on a girl in an intimate sense. For those who do, there’s an ever-present fear that the relationship could end at any moment and they would be left alone with nobody to talk to.

With this in mind, is it any surprise that so many teenage boys are attempting and even completing suicide?

The rates of suicide by young men and teen boys have skyrocketed, as founder of the non-partisan American Institute for Boys and Men and author of Of Boys and Men: Why the American Male is Struggling, Why it Matters and What to Do About It, Richard Reeves, said in a recent posting on his Substack, :

“There is too little awareness of the fact that being male is the biggest risk factor for suicide, and consequently too little action being taken to tackle the problem.”

Reeves then shares an infographic that I strongly suggest every parent take time studying. All teens appear to be in trouble, and efforts to prevent suicide should be broadly distributed, regardless of gender. But looking at this graphic makes it clear that boys and young men are in serious danger.

Without realizing it, we ask boys to be emotionally “strong” well before they are able to do so on their own, turning them into islands way too early in their development. Then we place enormous pressure upon them to perform academically, romantically, and physically — all while living up to the nearly-impossible standards required in order to remain safely in “the man box”.

We don’t do it to harm them. In fact, we may think it’s an act of love preparing them for a world where society demands that they live as emotionless hunks of rocks in the middle of turbulent seas. This is the tradition that was handed down to us.

But now we know that boys don’t thrive as islands, and we know that men are struggling. We need to do better.

We know that nobody can do life alone. Men cannot simply switch off their emotions or process trauma or attachment wounds through “punching something” or climbing higher on the corporate ladder, no matter what we’ve been taught for generations.

These things may help them numb the pain, but as we see from these suicide rates — not to mention the gender disparity in deaths due to addiction or accidental overdose, which are sometimes deaths due to persistent hopelessness and loneliness or untreated trauma — unprocessed pain and unmet emotional needs are just as toxic to men as they are to women. Preventing addiction and death by overdose may also require different interventions for boys than for girls, as may preventing deaths by suicide.

So, what can we do right now as parents of growing boys and young men?

The answer is long and extremely multi-faceted, which is why and I are writing our book, Talk To Your Boys: 27 crucial conversations to have with boys today & how to start having them. For now, I’ll share a few things I’ve tried to consciously integrate into my day-to-day interactions with my boys and their friends — not just to help them feel loved, but also adored as well as seen, heard and appreciated.

Six ways to better support teen boys’ and young men’s emotional well-being

1. Smile and look him in the eye when you see him

This is simple, but easily overlooked.

Life is busy — our lives, their lives. But when you’re picking him up from school or when you or him walk in the door at the end of the day, make a point to make eye contact and smile when you first see him.

This is so easy with little kids. A preschooler lights up when they see Mom or Dad, they may even run to you. An older kid is carrying a lot more, so they may appear closed off at the end of an activity or after a long day. That’s OK, they don’t have to be open for you to initiate this.

Just look him in the eye, smile and say something kind. Even just “Hi!”

If it feels authentic to you, try “I’m so happy to see you!” or “Hey, that shirt looks great!” When you first start doing it, it may feel awkward, but after a few days you’ll be sad that you didn’t always do this.

It’s weird, but most boys walk through life with their guards up. They have to, society doesn’t want boys to be soft and open and sweet. So they appear cold and cut-off, even if they wish they weren’t.

Opening yourself up with a smile and eye contact is the simplest way to make him feel valued.

2. Hug him

I’m a huge proponent of asking for and giving verbal consent for touch and affection, and that doesn’t change with teenagers. If your family dynamic involves lots of easy hugs and cuddles, consent may be less specific and purposeful, but it’s always good to do a little check-in.

For me, opening my arms to my boys is how I ask if they want a hug. Sometimes they don’t, so they give me a little pat as they walk by my open arms. As someone who easily gets “touched out”, I don’t take offense. Other times, they fold into my arms and exhale, and it’s clear they needed the invitation.

If you haven’t been a family of huggers, it might be worth just saying, “Hey, I know you’re a big guy now, but I’d love to give you hugs any time you want one. You can just hug me or you can tell me you need a hug and I’ll be there.”

A pat on the arm, a shoulder squeeze, an arm around the shoulder are also great ways to give them affection if they don’t seem to enjoy hugs. Every kid is different, and that’s OK. But remember, humans need affection and connection and an attachment figure. It’s healthy and normal for them to crave that — even for boys, and even with their dads.

3. Let him talk

Remember being a teen and getting lectures from your parents? It sucked then and it sucks now. We need to talk less and listen more.

This is a hard one for for me as an admitted know-it-all and chatterbox, but I’m trying!

Sometimes love looks like silence. Of course, asking questions and reflecting back what you’re hearing is a good thing — as is questioning something that seems unhealthy or false — but giving a kid a chance to get his flow going when he starts talking often gives him a chance to sort through what he’s saying and find where he needs to go in the conversation.

By listening with less interruptions, you’re also showing him that you’re there for him, for his thoughts and feelings, and not just your own. This is key for building trust.

4. Be open-minded & leave politics out of it when possible

Think about how you discuss political and social topics with your kids. If you’re like me, you have a firm sense of what “side” of any issue is right and wrong and you feel your kids should believe the exact same thing.

The problem is, your child is not you and it is developmentally normal (and even healthy) for him to try on different perspectives and opinions to see what feels right. When we reply with something harsh like, “That’s disgusting, where did you learn that??” it may feel to him like you’re saying, “you’re so stupid” or “you have terrible judgment” or “you can’t think for yourself” or “you’re just another toxic male” and that pushes him away.

Imagine a scenario where a man you generally like and respect says something politically opposite of what you believe. Would you immediately get angry and shout him down? Or would you try to help him see your side? Most likely, you’d say something like, “I disagree with that, but I hear you. This is my opinion, for what it’s worth…” so you could have a civil discussion.

Your child deserves at least that level of respect from you. That doesn’t mean you stay silent or leave his misunderstandings or incorrect assessments unchecked. It means inviting him in to how you think and how you came to your conclusions rather than pushing him away.

If you respect his right to an opinion, he will be much more likely to respect and hear yours.

5. Say a kind, authentic thing every day

I don’t know why this is hard, but lots of parents find this challenging, especially with boys. Maybe we know how much girls’ self-esteem matters to their outcome, but don’t think boys have this same struggle.

Regardless, I’m trying to take a moment every day to look at my kids with a goal of finding an authentic, warm compliment. I promise, even if he’s being aggro or sulky, there’s something good you can say, but you may need to step away from your own biases.

For instance, maybe he’s deeply committed to a particular video game. You can praise his commitment and hard work, even if you hate video games. You may think gaming is a waste of time, but it’s not about you, and his commitment to a goal (and possibly even a team) is an admirable quality.

Love his big brown eyes? Say it. Think he looks handsome or cool in that shirt? Say it. Think he’s being especially sweet with his little sibling? Tell him. Love hearing his laugh when he’s talking to his friends? Tell him that!

There’s a strange vulnerability that goes along with dishing out compliments — almost a fear that if he reacts with an eye-roll or curt word it will hurt more than if you’d never given the compliment. But you’re the adult, you’re his attachment figure, you need to step out onto the limb and offer kindness. If you haven’t done it much, he might not trust the authenticity of your words, but he will probably grow to trust you as you do it more, and it will be meaningful to him.

6. Create a space for him to be imperfect

Ultimately, all of these things are about showing love for him as an individual and creating a safe space for him to be heartbroken, weak, needy, insecure or any other “weak” or “unmanly” thing when he’s with you.

For some reason, we’ve spent generations thinking this is a “girl thing”, when in reality it’s just a human thing. We all need it, and as parents, it’s our job to create and deliver it to them.

No matter how old he is, it’s worth starting now. He may be taller than you, he may drive a car, he may even be able to grow a beard, but he’s still your child. If he’s living under your roof, count yourself lucky to have recognized this need while you still have him close enough to treasure and protect.

As a mom of a child who is a grown adult, trust me when I say that one day you’ll blink and he’ll be out in this world on his own.

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*the most extreme examples of anti-man online content often came from trolls on sites like 4Chan in order to make men dislike women and/or disinformation agents hired by foreign governments to create discord and unrest among Americans using social media.

**lack of access to mental health care also affects women and girls, but they often have emotional support from family and friends, whereas boys and men are expected to be stoic and unemotional. While nobody should have to go without medical care they need (including mental health care, which is medical care) this lack of access may affect boys and men more than their female counterparts

One of my boys tells me everything. The other tells me essentially nothing. I don’t think anything we’ve done, as parents, has caused this.

It’s both reassuring and frustrating when we realize how little control we have over their personalities and progress, starting when they are tiny. Aside from the basics of offering healthy foods, talking and making lots of eye contact with them, giving snuggles and creating a secure home environment, there aren’t a ton of agreed-upon variables that actually change outcomes.

With all of that in mind and the caveat that none of this is science (nor is it true for every kid), I’m going to talk to you about why your teenager doesn’t talk to you about sex or even their social life.

Please bear in mind that I have one of those children who is locked down like Fort Knox, so I’m not judging you here or telling you that you’ve necessarily made a mistake — some kids are just not talkers. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to adjust in order to be more welcoming.

Why your teenager doesn’t talk to you about sex

1. You haven’t brought it up

You may have talked about eggs and sperm when they were in fifth or seventh grade, but you haven’t talked about sex or sexuality since then. Your kid has received the message — you don’t want to talk about it.

If they have questions, they’re probably going to friends or the internet. Both are notoriously bad at giving age-appropriate, accurate information.

What to do now: Bring it up, talk about it, and try not to be weird about it. Unless you have an established casual conversational style about intimate issues, don’t talk to your kid like a friend (“omg have you hooked up with Callyn yet??”), talk like an adult who can be trusted.

Maybe try, “I know I haven’t talked to you much about sex or sexuality, but I want to start. It might make me a little nervous, because my parents didn’t talk to me about it at all, but I’m not freaked out by sex and I’m not going to shame you or anyone else. You can ask me anything, and if I don’t have a good answer, I’ll find one for you.”

Then bring it up whenever it feels appropriate … but not like a weirdo. Like, don’t bring it up every Friday at school pickup or they’ll start hitchhiking home (that’s a joke, but only sort of).

Watching TV and movies together can be a great time to bring stuff up. For instance, if a guy aggressively kisses a woman who tries pushing him away, share your thoughts about that. Like, “Geeze that guy is aggressive, I would not want someone to do that. That feels super disrespectful. What do you think, hon?”

Watching teen-oriented shows offers a ton of opportunities to talk about sex and relationships, and some are really good. Just read the reviews on Common Sense Media or something similar if you’re with a tween or teen. For older teens, Outer Banks and Young Royals are both great. For tweens (and teens, really), Heartstopper is just lovely and has wonderful parental conversations that can can help you introduce deeper topics, too.

The 90s classic Friends has loads of examples of silly and serious dating scenarios, and loads of problematic content that you can also discuss. The homophobia is rampant, but talking about it casually can help your kid learn more about your values — especially when you can just touch on a subject and then follow their lead about whether they want to discuss it further.

2. You’ve been shamey or judgmental

If your kid has heard you talking shit about women’s sexuality — calling certain women sluts or saying they’re showing too much skin or giving men the wrong impression (or any other old-fashioned “values”-based commentary — they probably assume you’ll judge them or their partners for having sexual thoughts and feelings or dressing “a certain way”.

Worse, maybe you’ve made your kid feel ashamed of her body or sexuality in the past, telling your daughter that boys won’t respect her or that she looks cheap or that she’s being “too fast”. Would you trust someone who made you feel bad with your most vulnerable, intimate thoughts and questions? No.

What to do now: It’s not too late to apologize! As I mentioned above, share what’s on your mind and be open and honest about what you’d like to build with your kid. Tell them you’d love to be the one they come to if they want to talk about relationships or sexuality, and that you want to be the type of parent who they can trust.

You can say, “I’m really sorry if I gave the impression in the past that I was judgmental about sex or women’s bodies or whatever. I was probably being a jerk, and I apologize if that affected you in any way. That’s how I was raised, but just know that I’m trying to do better, and I don’t actually judge women as harshly as it may have seen in the past.”

After that, try to remind yourself that every person has the right to bodily autonomy and to define for themselves their own sexual boundaries and values. Of course, a teen or child should be protected from sexual exploitation or early exposure to sex (including pornography), but as kids get older and become more independent, they are allowed privacy when it comes to their sexuality and consensual sexual choices.

This is scary, I know! But trust me, you don’t want your child to feel they don’t have the right to make choices about their own body and sexuality! You want them to feel empowered, like they are the master of their destiny, that they have every right to decide their own boundaries. You want them to understand the value of consent, and part of that is empowering them to think of their bodies and sexuality as their own, something nobody else has a right to define. This hopefully leads to them expecting others to ask for consent from them and asking for consent from others.

Then, most importantly, let them know that they don’t have to agree with you — that you know every person needs to establish her own values and boundaries. You just expect your child to be thoughtful and purposeful when determining their own sexual values.

Most importantly, let your kid know that no matter what, you will always respect them, love them and help them get through the challenges life presents.

3. You’ve proven you don’t always tell the truth

An old friend of mine told her daughter that babies were made when the dad gives the mom a special seed to swallow and it goes into her belly and the baby grows there.

(Yes, I was thinking all the same thoughts as you are right now!)

Eventually she did tell her daughter the truth, and her daughter was much less upset about the facts of life than she was about the fact that she’d been lied to. So, if it’s possible, start with honesty when they’re tiny and continue with it as they grow. If that’s not how you started, that’s OK, too. There’s time.

Another way in which we often lie to our kids about sex is when talking about what happens when you have sex before marriage or when you’re a teenager. For instance, if you told your daughter that having sex when you’re young means you’re going to get pregnant and ruin your life forever, she already knows you’re lying — or, at the very least, that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

That’s because she knows about birth control and safer sex practices — yes, even if you have her in an “abstinence only” program, she knows that not everyone who has sex has a baby nine months later. She probably also knows about abortion, so she knows that even if she did get pregnant, she wouldn’t necessarily have to give birth to the baby. That doesn’t mean that these are her values or reflect what you’ve taught her — it’s just that she knows you’re not telling her the full truth. The same thing goes for boys, of course.

Another example: If you tell a kid that girls who have sex in high school or before marriage are seen as sluts or devalued by men, your kid also probably sees right through you — and knows you’re speaking of your own judgement, not that of “everyone”. She probably knows at least one couple who has had sex in high school who are very sweet with one another and show plenty of respect.

She may also know adults, like an older sibling, cousin or friend, who had sex in high school who never got pregnant and were generally well-regarded and respected. Again, these don’t have to be your values (or your kid’s), they simply need to be recognized as issues that aren’t black-and-white.

What to do now: Again, start by apologizing for not telling the truth or sharing inaccurate information in the past. You can explain that it’s hard to know how to talk about sex to a kid, especially when our generation didn’t have such open relationships with our parents.

You can tell your child why it’s so fraught for you — maybe you have religious trauma around how you were taught about sex and desire, maybe you have a history of abuse — but do so in a way that doesn’t burden your child with your pain. Rather, invite them into seeing you as an imperfect person trying to do better.

When you don’t know the answer, seek out some facts. Websites like Mayo Clinic and Healthline have great, medically-reviewed physiological and anatomical information. You can also ask your child’s pediatrician for advice or seek out a credentialed clinician like a therapist or counselor for a conversation with you and/or your child. I do not suggest using a religious leader for the “counselor” in this scenario, because it is very hard for kids to be honest and open in this setting — but rather a person like an LMFT or a psychologist with experience or focus in therapy with children and adolescents.

4. You haven’t been specific enough in the past

If you’ve already talked to your kid about sex and sexuality and they still aren’t coming to you, it’s possible you weren’t specific enough about what you’re willing to talk about. This can also cause problems when your child relies on you for practical advice.

For instance, maybe you were super open about how the sperm meets the egg and even about how the sperm gets inside the vagina in the first place. You told your kid they could talk to you about this or ask questions any time. In this case, if they have questions about biology, they’ll probably come to you.

But does your teen know that you also want to talk to them about emotional questions, if they’d like to? About stuff like how to know when it’s the right time to start having sex? About whether oral sex counts as sex or whether a person is just “using” them for sex?

These are deeply important topics, and it’s possible your kid thinks you’re not up for this level of conversation.

What to do now: Start by simply making clear that sex is about a lot more than just biology, and that the emotional and social aspects of it are important, too. Then let your teen know that you are around any time they want to chat about that stuff or ask questions. Then, like we outlined before, start conversations and share your thoughts and values honestly and without shame.

Also, be specific when talking about birth control and safer sex. Using condoms for STI prevention only works effectively when used correctly, for instance. If you don’t know what it means to use a condom correctly, there’s great info online from the reliable sources I cited above. Also, I linked to Andrew Smiler’s book at the bottom of the post — so much great info there!

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5. You’ve been rigid in your expectations

This is for the religious folks in the room — but can apply to anyone:

Your daughter’s body is not your property.

You don’t get to decide her sexual values or shame her for growing up and making different choices. Of course, this applies to any kid, but comes up most with daughters.

Nearly all Christian denominations have seen declining attendance and membership among Millennials and Gen-Z, and many cite the rigid rules churches put forth around sex and sexuality as a major cause. Young people generally don’t see queerness as anything inherently bad, and they don’t buy into the idea that being gay makes you a sinner. Christian kids today often have a view that God created humanity in a wide patchwork of variations, and that Jesus stood for love and acceptance — not rigid rules that exclude huge swaths of people.

Along with this change comes a rejection of the idea that God wants people to abstain from sexual activity until their wedding night. This generation tends to reject the idea that a church should have the right to decide what grown adults consensually choose to do with their bodies in the privacy of their own homes.

So if your message has solely been, “The Bible says…” or “In our house, the only acceptable place for sexual interactions is the marital bed”, your kid may have already decided that you are not the one to talk to about sex, their sexuality, their sexual choices or to come to with questions that don’t strictly follow the rules you’ve established.

What to do now: If you raised your child in a tradition that sees sex as a black-and-white “virgin or not a virgin” way, you may need to make explicit to them that they are loved and accepted by you no matter what choices they make. Yes, they may fear you won’t love them if they choose to embody their sexuality different from how you’d like them to.

Set aside time to talk to them about this and let them know that you may have given the impression that you believe you should control their choices and that there’s only one acceptable way for people to interact, sexually. Then let your child know that, as they grow up and become adults, they have the right to decide for themselves where their sexual values and boundaries lie.

Let them know that your values are very important to you — and that you hope they will respect those and choose something similar for themselves (and tell them the benefits of this, from your perspective). But let them know that your love for them (and God’s) are not contingent upon them making the same choices you have.

Then you need to walk that walk and show your kid that you are trustworthy and a safe place for them to be honest and vulnerable around.

(Here’s a fun song for all of you who grew up in a repressive religious tradition!)

6. You’ve been too nosy in the past

Lots of kids are afraid that if they ask you questions about sex or talk to you about it, you will ask nosy questions and violate their privacy.

For instance, they may have come to you in the past and said, “How do you know when someone wants to kiss you?” and you may have replied, “Did someone try to kiss you?” … Which is not the answer to that question at all — and your kid knows it!

The truth is, sex and sexuality are private and few of us want to chit-chat with our parents about how far we’ve gone with a partner. They also likely don’t want to hear the details of your sexual past or the sex you’re having with their parent or your current partner. That is your private business.

What to do now: Let your kid know that you value their privacy — but that there’s a big difference between something being private and something being a secret.

Privacy is deciding which personal information feels intimate or special to you. We make a conscious choice not to talk to just-about-anyone about things that are private — but we don’t necessarily feel ashamed of things that are private.

Secrets are things we feel we cannot tell anyone, even if we feel the desire to do so. Secrets can be dangerous because they feel like a trap, whereas privacy can feel empowering.

Explaining this difference to your child may open the door to them understanding that you don’t need or want to know the details of their private lives — but that they can feel comfortable telling you anything they want to, even if feels private. You will not betray their trust or judge them, and you will help them solve problems, should the need arise.

It’s also good to remind kids that an adult should never, ever ask a kid of any age to keep a secret. A child should be reminded that an adult that asks a kid — even a teen — to keep a secret likely has harmful intentions.

Then, like we said above, walk the walk. Don’t ask for specific details and don’t invade their privacy.

Of course, if you believe your child is in danger or being exploited, you should reach out to a mental health professional, counselor or advocate for advice on how to handle the situation appropriately — and never judge your child for harm done by another person. Despite what society often implies, nobody chooses to be victimized.

7. Your kid just doesn’t care about sex

Some kids just aren’t into sex! It’s simply not on their minds.

While some kids start having romantic crushes early on and get that “butterflies” feeling very young, others simply do not.

While most kids will eventually develop romantic and sexual feelings during adolescence, some won’t be ready for sex or romance until they are are college-aged or even into their twenties. This is all healthy and normal for some people, and would be even if they developed those feelings later than that.

There are also people who consider themselves asexual or aromantic — meaning, they just don’t feel those feelings and they don’t expect to start any time soon.

There is no one way to feel, no one way to be. Your child can develop a romantic and sexual identity at their own rate, and it can be very hurtful to make your child feel bad for the timing of their own development.

In conclusion…

Regardless of what mistakes we’ve made in the past (and we’ve all made some!) there is always time to right the ship in ways that are meaningful to you and your kid. And if something I’ve said her doesn’t feel right to you, don’t do it.

Nobody knows all the right ways to be a parent, and you know your kid better than anyone. You can follow their lead and determine the unique and best ways to show them love, acceptance and support.

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Joanna Schroeder is co-author of Talk To Your Boys: 27 crucial conversations to have with your boys today coming Spring 2025 from Workman Publications

Recommended for further reading:

Boys and Sex by Peggy Orenstein

Girls and Sex by Peggy Orenstein

Let's Talk About Body Boundaries, Consent and Respect by Jayneen Sanders and Sarah Jennings

Dating and Sex, A Guide For The 21st Century Teen Boy by Dr. Andrew Smiler

100 Questions You’d Never Ask Your Parents by Nancy Armstrong, MD and Elisabeth Henderson (this is great for parents to read, too, in order to prepare for any sorts of questions!)

S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get you Through Your Teens and Twenties by Heather Corinna

For more great advice & info, follow Teaching Health Todayby Christopher Pepper

Seeing this announcement today almost made me cry.

I probably would’ve cried more, but my daughter was yelling at me because she was playing dress-up and I wasn’t putting her “fail” (veil) on correctly. In my defense, what she wanted to use as a veil was actually a tutu, and I was trying to put it on her waist like a fool, apparently.

One moment later, as I was just getting back to reading the announcement, my oldest son came to me with a problem regarding his AP Stats homework and my middle son walked in the front door carrying not one, not two, not three!, but six dirty Hydro Flasks he’d just found in my car. As if it had been scripted, the metal water bottles fell from his arms one-by-one. Clatter clatter clatter clatter, clonk, rolllll.

In other words, I’m a mom, which means I had about ten seconds of wonder and joy at this glorious sight. The tiny little box with the blue-and-red font and my name (and that of ) in bold. Publisher’s Marketplace. How could it be real?

(Quick break from the narrative to say that if you want updates on the status of our book, please subscribe to this Substack or sign up for the mailing list here on our somewhat-official Talk To Your Boys book website. The story continues below the button!)

See, I’m one of those people who spent a lifetime sort of wandering.

The only job I ever wanted as a kid was to be a cashier at the grocery store. The cash register! The money! The buttons! The beeping and bagging and getting to talk to a million people!

I achieved that dream early — though with a little upgrade. I got to be the cashier at Lisa Kline, a fancy shop on Robertson Boulevard in LA, at the height of early ‘00s shopping fever. I also got to work with my best friends, a few of whom are still my closest confidants today.

After I had my first child, all my button-pushing dreams fulfilled, I was a little lost. What would I do to define myself outside of the little boy (and eventually boys) with big green eyes staring up at me all day? I didn’t want to be away from them for long retail shifts, and the economy was tanking anyway. Whatever I earned would go straight to paying the sitter.

I thought long and hard about what I loved to do, what I would like to do for a long time. What would be so rewarding, I wouldn’t mind being away from my boys while I worked?

The only thing I’ve ever truly loved to do was write. And it was pretty much the only thing I’d been good at in school. Writing and mothering my boys were my two greatest accomplishments (and now I have a little daughter, too).

So I started writing. And then I started writing about mothering. And then I started writing about raising healthy boys. I became an editor and learned how to market my work. My dream career took shape.

Today I get to live the biggest part of my dream and announce that Christopher and I have signed a contract with Workman Publishing to write TALK TO YOUR BOYS, a guide for starting conversations with boys that build trust while being informative. Conversations about things like sex, drugs, consent, romance, heartbreak, honesty, work ethic, rule-breaking and the law, social issues, gender & sexuality and more are easier when you have a sample script, tips and illustrations — all set up so you can pick up the book and read the chapter that pertains to your kid that day.

In other words, we’re writing a book formatted for your real life, one where you have twenty or thirty minutes waiting for your kid to finish band practice, a surf session or theater rehearsal. We’re there to help you figure out what the heck you’re going to say on your drive home about that tough situation he’s been dealing with.

So follow along with us here while we finish writing this book, interviewing experts and boys alike. We’ll keep you in the loop and share little bits of wisdom along the way.

Thanks for being part of our TTYB journey!

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